my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
