i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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