I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
