Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
