Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
