I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
