4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
