i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
