A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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