before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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