how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
