No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
