I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
