Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
