I'm so fucking centered right now
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
