mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
