Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need moral support for this bender
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
