why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
