I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
