hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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