3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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