I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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