Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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