im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This toilet bowl is my home.
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