i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
