i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
