you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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