i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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