I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
