Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
