I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
