mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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