thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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