As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
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Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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