Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
