Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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