They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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