You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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