It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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