your parents love me but you hate me
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
