The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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