There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
