I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
