At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
