Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
