i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
