The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
