Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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