I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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