just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
