I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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