the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
