Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
