Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
