either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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