Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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