This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
