did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
