i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
