Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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